


The blue bird

by Luna_Arsenica



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, happy birthday sougo 2020, not tagging them because it's minor but the rest of idolish7 is there too, the fic itself is mostly sougo-centric but there's some implied tamasou too, there's references to sougo's uncle and friends from before he joined takapro too, this IS a hbd fic so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24422032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Arsenica/pseuds/Luna_Arsenica
Summary: "Of how the blue bird takes flight towards the blue sky"(Sougo has always heard the chirps of a blue bird that leads him to music; his father disaproves of any contact with it after his uncle's death.The blue bird sings, still.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	The blue bird

**Author's Note:**

> minor/referenced spoilers for part 2, 3 and actual, explicit spoilers for part 4, so do mind that please!

When Sougo was a child, meeting his uncle felt a bit like a state secret.

He remembers how his father would drive him there himself, exchange barely a handshake and a few words (mainly about the time when he'd come pick Sougo up) with his own brother before leaving. Thinking back on it, Sougo isn't sure he can understand the coldness in those meetings, but when he was a kid he was just used to his father being so distant even to his own child and wife that it didn't seem strange at all.

Sougo thinks that he maybe heard his uncle comment, only once and lightly like it had little to no importance, that Sougo's father was probably disappointed in his little brother for dropping his career as a lawyer to become a musician, but he never elaborated further and whatever else he tried to reflect upon was lost on Sougo, who couldn't really care much about it at the time, anyway.

At the moment, all he cared about were the vinyls in his uncle's shelves, the music stereo and the big speakers connected to it, the old but well cared for guitar he's been eyeing for years now.

His uncle seems to notice Sougo's enthusiasm, the way his purple eyes focus on it, and invites him, smiling kindly.

"You might be old enough to play this now, Sougo"

Sougo's eyes light up immediately when he hears that, still not used to the difference between being a good boy at home and being spoiled by his uncle when he visits him.

It happens then, on the first chord. When his little hand strums the guitar for the first time in his life, he thinks he sees something on his peripheral vision. Something blue, and small, something that moves erratically and doesn't let itself be looked at easily..... 

But Sougo ignores it to continue, too excited to look away now that he finally can play that guitar.

\-------

Sougo still isn't sure what it is exactly, but every time he visits his uncle since that first guitar lesson he sees that little blue thing. It starts becoming each time less blurry, less timid if that's what is making it avoid Sougo's eyes, until he manages to see its round shape.

He finds after a few lessons that it's a blue bird, one that's evasive and barely ever stays where he can see it. He hears it chirp once and when their eyes meet he has to ask "Uncle, do you know what kind of bird that is?"

"Hmm? Did a bird come in through the window?" his uncle asks back, looking around but apparently unable to see it, and that's when Sougo guesses it's not something normal.

The bird chirps again and spreads its wings, but it's only to fluff them, and when it starts singing, a tune comes to Sougo's hands.

Naturally, with an unknown certainty that he won't feel again for years.

\----------------

When Sougo's uncle dies, he finds himself unable to ignore the bird's chirps.

He's been trying for hours now, but no matter what he does it won't stop and he can't muffle them, can't silence them, can't stop hearing them. It makes Sougo want to cry but at the same time it makes him so angry he wants to break something, to hear the sound of something crashing instead of the chirps, to feel the weight of something dying by his hand.

He wants to hurt that little bird. 

But he doesn't - he figures today is not a day to turn to violence, and he shouldn't let himself get carried away by emotion. Today is a day to honour his beloved uncle, who taught him everything nice and fun in his short life, and he has to be on his best behaviour.

Instead, he decides to put the blue bird in a small cage before leaving to the funeral - the last thing he needs is that bird driving him crazy when he's already too busy dealing with loss, trying to understand the myriad of feelings in his chest and failing.

"Well, of course this would happen"

"It's a pity, but we all knew it would end up like this"

Sougo swears he's trying his best to keep on check, to fight against the rage he feels when he hears not only one but multiple voices implying his uncle was a pitiful man, a lost cause. 'Dishonor' was something Sougo was used to hearing applied to his uncle, but everyone around him just pretended to lament this result while still convinced that it was the deceased's fault.

A hand on his shoulder distracts him before he can simmer any more on that fury, and when Sougo looks up to his father he can't understand the look in his eyes, lost in the distance.

He can't understand how the blue bird is perched on his other shoulder, how long it's been there without him seeing or feeling it.

He knows he can't make a fuss in this important occasion, but he at least contents himself by letting out a loud internal scream, to carry his fury and his pain and the horror of the realization that he can never be free from that bird.

\-------------------------------------

If until then Sougo at least had the chance to experience music with his uncle occasionally, after the funeral his father becomes much more rigid about letting him do anything related to music at all, no matter how hard Sougo works to reach his expectations or how simple his requests are.

Sougo is not amused about it, especially because the blue bird gets annoying when he isn't allowed to play the guitar or make music in any way. He can keep it somewhat calm when he listens to music he likes, but it only works for a while before it actually makes things worse, as if he was just adding fuel to the fire rather than extinguishing it. 

Eventually, Sougo realizes he'll have to disobey his dad's orders for his own sake, somehow, even if it kills him. It's been a few years and the bird has made it clear: he won't have peace until he gives it what it wants. He knows he needs to reconnect with music to salvage at least some sanity, to stay at least a bit mentally estable.

"Sougo, I know it can be risky for you, but I need to ask you something" one of his friends from high school approaches him one day, suddenly, and Sougo can't help but wonder why he's looking so apologetic and reverent at the same time, much more formal than most of the times they interact.

After all, Sougo wouldn't say he's especially close to any of his classmates, but if any of them is a friend it has to be this boy, who always helps him come up with excuses to visit music stores and buys albums for Sougo when he doesn't have enough cash for them, since he couldn't spend money on music with his extension cards for obvious reasons. He knows Sougo owes him in ways he couldn't quantify with money, so if there's something he needs to ask for with his head lowered like that, it has to be something that will at least take him by surprise.

"Eh? I mean, if I can be of any help to you, then I'll do my best" Sougo isn't exactly wary about the extra layers of respectfulness in the boy's voice, but he's a bit intrigued "What is this about?"

"Remember that band I told you about? The one I started a while back? A lot of things happened and our guitarist quit, but we got a really good offer for a big venue, and-!" the boy's voice raises in volume, pitch _and_ speed until he suddenly stops mumbling out loud and, gathering his courage, bows at almost 90° and asks "Do you think you could be our guitarist only for this time? Please?"

Sougo stays silent for a second that feels too long for both of them. He can almost feel how nervous his friend feels, how much he depends on Sougo to save them from this and how much Sougo wishes he could save himself from the torture that the blue bird is subjecting him to day after day.

"I can even buy a few albums for you, as many as you want! Ah, they're on me, of course!" the boy keeps bowing, keeps his head low like what he's asking from Sougo really is a favour to the band and not to him. Like this isn't a lifeline to his sanity, an escape rope from his predicaments.

"Are you really okay with me?" Sougo asks, only to be polite, only to make sure he isn't going to cause trouble to them while trying not to show how desperate he is to just say 'yes' "It's been a while since the last time I could practice. I think I might be a bit rusty..."

"What? No way, you were amazing that time at Tanaka's place!" his friend finally looks up, his eyes opened wide in surprise, before a business smile replaces that expression as he offers "You can come practice at my place! I mean, you need to learn the songs anyway!"

"At your place?" Sougo wonders for a second if he isn't imposing too much on his friend, if he isn't taking advantage of this poor guy in a time of need, but the hope this has awakened in him is so bright it's blinding, and he decides to take a chance in the end, ready to negotiate if necessary "In that case, can I ask for a favour from you in exchange?"

"Sure! Anything you want!" the boy nods enthusiastically, and Sougo feels almost bad because he can feel how much he needs Sougo to just agree already.

"Do you think you can hide something for me there?" he tries to be as polite as possible, but Sougo wonders if he isn't asking for too much. He tries to explain himself because this friend at least knows enough about his situation to understand if he says it, but he hopes he doesn't sound to pushy when he says "I've been wanting to buy an electric guitar for a while now, but I know I couldn't keep it in my room safely"

"Of course, no problem!" the boy's so excited at the proposal that he ends up slapping Sougo's back, acting far more normal than during the rest of the conversation "But if you're gonna go that far, why not join our band formally? I'm sure the guys would be glad to have you too!"

"It's not that I wouldn't want to, but it's not just a risk for me" Sougo feels the need to warn him about the hardest challenge if he were to accept the proposal, but he's still very eager to just make a deal when he explains "I could be forced to quit anytime if my family finds out about it. Are you guys really going to be okay with that?"

The boy sighs, hands on his hips and eyes scanning the floor for a second, then the ceiling for another one, then finally his gaze meets Sougo's and hypes him up with a determined smile.

"Well, we'll deal with that if and when it happens. I'll tell everyone, but it should be okay as long as it lasts, don't worry!"

Sougo smiles back as he leaves, happy to make this a reality, but he can't help feeling anxious about breaking the rules for the first time in his life.

_'I mean, as long as my grades don't suffer and I don't act too suspicious it should be okay...'_ , he thinks to himself, planning ahead for every hurdle he could find on the way to make sure he can just hold tight to this chance.

And so start the years of playing music like he's smuggling drugs, like he's a criminal.

\----------------------------

When Sougo graduates high school, he knows it's the end of his 'career' as a rock band guitarist. He had told the rest of the group about it beforehand, when his father started pressuring him to pick a university to go to and a real, legitimate career to pursue: he had to focus on studying for the entrance exams, and even in the best case scenario that he could keep playing until graduation, that was as much as he could do.

As hard as it was, his friends from high school at least understood when he told them. They negotiated with him to at least, please, do his best to keep playing until graduation, and Sougo did. He really felt alive when he could play music, after all.

The one who couldn't understand him quitting that band was the blue bird.

After being a member of a rock band, he had gotten used to the peace, to being able to sleep at night and concentrate even when he had to do other things not related to music. But that was when the bird was happy, and it was far from pleased now that he decided to focus on his studies.

Like every time it's annoyed at Sougo's decisions, the blue bird won't leave him alone. Sougo can barely sleep now, and there isn't a moment of his days that isn't grim.

_'I thought so, but this bird really has no compassion for me'_ , he complains to himself, but that's not a solution and what he needs to do isn't to vent. He needs to fix this.

An idea crosses his mind and it's wild, risky, dangerous, but Sougo thinks it could work. It's the one thing he's been unable to do ever since his uncle died, but it has to work.

Sneaking around in his own house doesn't feel right, but he's prepared for anything as long as it will free him from the curse of the bird.

Sougo knows his dad keeps the few things his uncle owned when he died in a room, the few material possessions he left behind that hold no value other than emotional and have no worth for anyone but him. He never saw his dad go into that room again after the first day, when he locked those mementos in there and walked away, so Sougo thinks it's safe to assume he isn't checking them. No one would know if anything's missing.

In the rush and in the dark, illuminated only by his phone's dim light, he has no time to be sentimental about the things he sees there while he looks for the item he needs, but when he finally manages to find it, he can't help the surge of melancholy overtaking him.

The one album his uncle recorded with his band looks back at him from the darkness, and Sougo promises a better look and a more ecstatic reencounter once he's back in his room.

The cover is simple, and the CD barely looks like a professional record, but it makes Sougo smile and tear up like nothing has in years.

He thinks for a second that it's a pity that he never learned the names of his uncle's dear friends, that he can't contact them and become closer, maybe talk about his uncle with them. Maybe talk simply about music.

But he decides to focus on the task at hand. He has to fix this problem, he can't lose time lamenting things that never happened and that he wouldn't be allowed to do anyway.

He plays the album, headphones ready to muffle the music. The bird will hear anyway. He knows it will, and then it will stop pestering him. This has to be it. This will finally calm it down.

He couldn't be any more wrong.

He doesn't understand why, he doesn't know what's going on but the music makes the bird scream, much louder than Sougo ever remembers hearing it, a noise that _can't_ belong to a bird it's so eerie and hor _rifying and much louder than the music and Sougo can't hear anything else anymore-_

He stops the music and it all stops. The silence is deafening and Sougo can't look at the bird the same way after that. 

He apologizes to his uncle in his heart, but after that day, Sougo is too afraid to play that album ever again.

\--------------------------

Just when Sougo thought he'd have to resign to a life of misery, to going crazy because of the incessant complaints of the blue bird, he's approached by a man who invites him to coffee on the way to class and invites him to become an idol.

Otoharu Takanashi leaves a business card and the chance to take his life in his own hands once and for all and it's all he needs to be in Sougo's head all week.

The talk he had with that man never leaves him, the advice to fight for what he believes in and the right to do what he loves, and he decides to risk it all in another conversation.

One that doesn't go anywhere near as well as the one he had with Otoharu, one that ends up in Sougo losing everything he had until now. But of course he expected that. His father was never as agreeable as that man.

When Sougo says he wants to become an idol, that he wants to live off of music, all his father says initially is 'no'. Just one firm word, just one stern look from him is enough to make Sougo flinch, but he refuses to give up.

He doesn't even need to insist to make his father elaborate on his one word answer, though. All Sougo needs to do is straighten his back and open his mouth, and he's silenced by his father's commanding voice.

"You know that's impossible" he looks profoundly indignated that Sougo would even propose something like that, and part of Sougo knows where he's going but he hopes against all hope that he doesn't say those words because he won't be able to remain silent this time, if he does, but his father says what he's dreading: "You know what happened to Satoshi"

"It doesn't have to be like that, Dad. You don't understand" Sougo knows it's unwise, to act and even look so defiant, but he can't control himself. He doesn't take it well when people make a cautionary tale of the man he admires the most, and he knows there's no peaceful way out of this conversation when he adds "No one in this family does, either, if you think Uncle was a miserable man. If all he can be to you is an example"

When his father gasps, shocked and furious, Sougo shuts down completely, partly out of fear and partly out of rage. He doesn't want to hear what he has to say - to shout to him, to yell like that can make him apologize and take back everything he said. He only sees his father screaming until he takes a long breath and sighs.

Sougo says nothing, because he knows that's the worst he can do to him and the best he can do to change himself, his weak self that he hates so much.

What Sougo expected ends up happening, and he understands well what his father means when he says that 'he won't be an idol as long as he's his son'.

If Ousaka Soushi is happy to say he has no son, then who is Sougo to contradict him? As long as he can prove the true worth of music and his uncle's lifestyle, then he's okay with it. He's prepared to do whatever he has to.

Sougo doesn't take long to obey his father and 'get out of his house', picking only a few things in a hurry, only as much as he can carry on a small bag, and spends the night in the train station's plaza. He starts looking for net cafes and cheap capsule rooms the next morning, weighing the cost and benefits but ultimately deciding it would be safer and better for his health - he has to take care of his body now that he's an idol, after all. He wouldn't want to cause any trouble to his new coworkers and employer.

When he visits his friends, it's mostly to ask them to keep valuable things for him because he can't just have them on him in this precarious situation, but his friends always end up insisting _he_ spend the night there, and he accepts but only one night in each place.

Sougo is really grateful to his friends, after all, but precisely because of that he doesn't want to abuse their kindness.

He knows many of them are (secretly or not so much) hoping Sougo will reconsider things and make up with his family, but he really can't leave things the way they are. The way they've always been. Sougo really wants to take this chance and make things change - his life, his family's preconceptions about music, his very own self.

Gou isn't as kind and warm as Sougo's friends from university, but he's the one that manages to get Sougo to stay longer at his place. He's harsh but so straightforward Sougo doesn't have to feel bad for imposing, and instead lets Gou convince him that leaving would be a far greater inconvenience to him than letting him crash at his couch.

Because neither of his friends would take his money (and especially not Gou, who would just get mad at him anytime he implied it), Sougo decides to at least make himself useful and keep the place clean, maybe cook a few meals when he can. He tries to remember how his uncle managed to make ends meet, a bit annoyed that high school level economy classes are not very useful for practical everyday things like that, but managing to learn a bit about cutting costs and saving and getting scolded only half the time in the process.

When Tsumugi informs him that the company's dorms are ready for them to move in, Sougo finally lets himself breathe, sleep, rest.

Sougo finally feels like he can let his mind stop running for a second and a half.

\---------

When he debuts as MEZZO" with Tamaki, things couldn't seem worse and more stressing.

It's not like Sougo has anything against Tamaki specifically, but he's not the only one who has noticed just how different they are from each other, and how hard this makes regular convivence, without even considering working alone, just the two of them.

Tamaki has asked him to please do this with him, since he is the only one who can help him now, and he's as serious as he can be because finding his sister _is_ important for him (and Sougo can understand that, in a part of his heart, despite being a single child), but he's still a disaster - he's still impatient, he's still hard headed about doing things he doesn't understand and he doesn't understand a lot about manners and being generally professional and considerate of people's time and things that are important _to Sougo_.

He tries to think to himself that this will improve with time and Tamaki is doing his best despite having to juggle school and work for two groups. He really wants this to work, he really wants to help Tamaki and, if possible, take this chance to become closer. Tamaki isn't a bad kid, after all, and Sougo _wants_ to understand him better.

The last thing Sougo wants is to make Tamaki worry about him or feel guilty, even when he keeps making mistakes and no matter how many times he ends up apologizing to staff and other artists for him. But, eventually, the stress ends up being too much for him- too much for him to take, when he finds out his father is not okay with just disowning him.

His father needs to make sure Sougo fails, and after learning _that_ he can barely hold himself together until he arrives to the dorms.

He collapses, apparently, and when he can finally go back to the dorms he's told to rest, but he decides he can't keep being an obstacle to these people, who are so earnestly chasing after their dreams. Tamaki believes everything is his fault, and part of Sougo's heart breaks when he realizes he really keeps making him worry and feel bad, so when the rest of IDOLiSH7 insists he tells them all about his family.

Once the crisis is averted and it's decided Sougo will keep working with them, Tamaki stays behind with him, and they end up talking about their families.

Tamaki tells him a little about Aya, and it's so obvious how much he cares about her just from how he speaks, how his eyes shine when he recalls silly things they did as kids. He asks Sougo about his uncle, and Sougo feels really sorry to feel like he's being put on the spot just for something like that, but he can't help it - other than a few minutes ago, when he told everyone why he was causing trouble to them and could continue to do so, he hasn't talked about his uncle for so long.

It's really concerning that he doesn't even know where to start. What to say. Should he say anything about the strange look in his father's eyes? Should he say anything about his uncle's sad, bittersweet smile when Sougo talked about his dad to him?

"I wanted to tell him how much he meant- how much he still means to me, because I really felt loved by him" Sougo feels very lost, barely capable to put his thoughts into words, but he remembers something he could tell Tamaki as an example of why and how he knew his uncle cared about him "I only learned about it recently, but apparently, when I was born, my uncle tried to go back to working as a lawyer. It was just for a while, though"

"Really? He was a lawyer?" Tamaki looks surprised, but he's interested in learning more "Was he already a musician when you were born?"

"I think he was just starting to distance himself from the family at that time, so he probably was being cautious about it, but as far as I know, yes" Sougo takes a moment to organize what he knows about the incident, but Tamaki's questions help him, and he starts remembering the story better when he thinks about them "He quit once and for all to dedicate fully to music a short while later, anyway, so I guess that's why I don't remember it myself"

"Any reason why? He didn't want to cut your family off yet?" Tamaki sounds worried, like there's many things in his head, and Sougo is only mildly surprised - Tamaki _is_ a perceptive kid after all.

"I guess he probably thought he'd have to be a good example or role model for me or my parents wouldn't let him meet me" Sougo answers, but he's actually been wondering about it for a while too. He only has his own speculations, because the only things he knows come from comments here and there that he pieced together to make a theory, but he tries to answer to the best of his ability anyway, as hard as it is to understand things that happened before he even existed "I guess he really needed to live life his own way, though. Since he must have thought he wouldn't see me again if he quit"

"But you still got to see him"

"Well, yeah. Hushed and in secret, but we still got to meet" Sougo remembers the tense atmosphere every time his dad and uncle met, and how blissfully oblivious he was about it when he was a kid. The memories hurt a bit, but talking about it feels relieving somehow and he can't stop himself, explaining things from the perspective he gained as an adult "He was a disgrace to the family, so I guess that's why my father didn't want anyone to know that I was still in contact with him and I wasn't allowed to talk about my uncle to anyone else in the family, but I could visit him once in a while if I was good"

"That's a lot of conditions to meet your family... Isn't that kinda messed up..." Tamaki sighs and runs a hand through his hair, clicking his tongue. Sougo doesn't know how to feel when Tamaki is getting annoyed in his behalf, but fortunately for Sougo he decides to change the subject and focus on something nicer, asking "What kind of music did your uncle make? Was he a rock fan too?"

Unfortunately for him, Tamaki's question freezes Sougo for a second. It's not panic, but he's nervous and, once again, very sorry that the only memento he has from his uncle makes him feel like this.

He considers it for a second, weights it a bit in his head, but he's happy to see that his voice isn't shaking when he says "Actually, I have his band's album if you want to listen to it"

Sougo has to thank his heart for not stopping when he speaks about the album, and wishes he didn't have to but...

He's still afraid. He avoids thinking about the bird's reaction to that album, and he avoids thinking about his uncle's music because of that and because of the guilt he feels that he can't even enjoy it. He considers telling Tamaki about the blue bird, the one that's sitting in his bed frame right now. He wonders if Tamaki would believe it.

'If it's Tamaki-kun, he might believe it... but isn't he afraid of ghosts?'

Sougo thinks briefly about it (wonders for a second if Tamaki's phobia of ghosts but not monsters isn't related somehow to his trauma regarding death), and decides that since Tamaki might be scared if Sougo tells him about the bird and he can't see it, he won't.

But without talking about it he can't explain Tamaki that he'd rather he listened to the album somewhere else, away from him and the bird, so he tells Tamaki where to find it (since he doesn't want Sougo to get up from bed even if he insists he can do at least that much) and just hopes for the best.

When Tamaki plays the album, the bird is quiet. It grooms its feathers, and lets out a tweet once in a while. Sougo is surprised and wary, waiting a bit before relaxing, still expecting something awful from the small blue curse that haunts him, but when it becomes clear that nothing will happen he takes a deep breath and focuses on the music he missed so much.

Sougo feels so tranquil, so relieved and grateful that he can finally experience this again, that he slowly starts feeling all the exhaustion catching up. He's lulled to sleep slowly, peacefully, lost in the music as he drifts into sleep...

When he wakes up, Tamaki isn't there anymore but there's a King Pudding and a spoon in his night table, and he feels more rested than he's felt in years.

The pudding is too sweet for him, to the point that just a few spoonfuls are enough to make him feel he's had enough sugar for the whole week, but he looks down at the jar with determination. He has to finish it no matter how long it takes.

This means so much coming from Tamaki that he can't help feeling comforted. He can't help wanting to take all of it.

\-------

When Sougo finds Aya he feels like his head is going to blow up.

He hasn't felt like this in a while now, because the bird is very happy with his decision to become an idol, and he's scared. He got used to a certain stability and calm, happy that they won Black or White, happy that IDOLiSH7 managed to finally get its own regular program with sponsors not related to FSC in any way, happy that the reactions to their center change were not as bad as they could have been.

Tamaki confesses he's starting to feel much more happy to be an idol too, to work with him, and Sougo feels blessed. His efforts are finally giving fruit, and Tamaki is starting to understand what things like being polite and considerate are about, and why he insists so much on Tamaki behaving.

He knows he has to tell Tamaki about the meeting with that girl, but his fears manage to drive him into a corner where he starts making up excuses - he isn't sure this is Aya yet, he doesn't even know how to find her and has only ever met her when she was interested in seeing him, they're too busy and he doesn't want to upset Tamaki without being sure there's anything they can do.

But after that conversation, after Tamaki confessing he can see how his efforts have affected his relationship to others, after Sougo says he'll do his best for Tamaki's sake too...

Sougo knows he _needs_ to tell Tamaki, and even when he finally gathers his courage and tells him they need to talk about something important, but they'll do it on their day off... Even when he tries to be careful about it and thinks it will be the best to give it the time it requires...

He still feels awful. It's all excuses. He feels uneasy to the point he isn't even sure what the bird means with its pointed and sharp chirps.

He really meant it when he said he'd tell him, he really was going to do it. He was scared, but then Tamaki finds the clover keychain and Sougo doesn't think anything has ever terrified him as much as his reaction to it.

The confrontation feels like Hell itself and it really doesn't help that even the bird is chirping at him in an accusatory tone that makes Sougo want to smack it.

_'Now is really_ not _the time'_ is the only coherent thought he can discern in the mess that is his head, not when everything Tamaki says is right.

But he manages to (somehow, somewhat) make up with Tamaki - not without a shocking encounter with Aya and her new adoptive father, Kujou Takamasa, though.

As expected, just as Sougo imagined, Tamaki is hurt by her rejection, but this is the right thing to do. He'll just have to support him now that Aya's whereabouts are clear, at least.

What Sougo doesn't really understand about the event is whether he is seeing things or there really was something purple and minuscule chasing after Aya as she left with that man and Tenn.

\-------

It hasn't been long since "MEZZO"'s Long Hit Album" started airing, but when Nagi tells them all about "Dear Butterfly" and the message Haruki put into that song, something clicks in Sougo's heart.

It feels like receiving some kind of courage he desperately wanted, but was lacking no matter how hard he looked for it. It feels like, at least at his own pace, as little by little as he needs to, he's ready to take on this challenge that he's always yearned for.

The question of whether he'll be any good at it anyway still remains, of course, but he still feels the urge when the bird sings, he never stopped feeling like that for a second. He never once stopped feeling those melodies in his mind and the strong desire to share them, if only someone would care about them. If only there was someone who would listen...

He decides to talk about it to Tamaki. There isn't another alternative in his head when he thinks about it, because when he thinks about writing a song what he needs the most is his partner's support.

Yes, if it's a song for MEZZO", that should feel comfortable enough to tackle on something that scares him and excites him so much at the same time, something that will change his life forever.

If he starts like that, it feels just right. It feels like he could really do it.

Tamaki's reaction is simple, like everything about him, and Sougo finds himself a bit puzzled once more at his own feelings.

This _is_ a big deal for him, and he knows it is for Tamaki too, but maybe he really is overthinking again. Maybe he just isn't used to being able to find happiness just like that, just like saying 'I want this' and being told 'you can have it'.

Tamaki says he'll support him, Tamaki tries to understand _why_ Sougo is acting like he is about this, and he even drags Sougo out to talk with the rest of IDOLiSH7.

Everyone is cheering on Sougo, and offering their support, and he feels truly blessed to have friends like that now.

The blue bird sings all night long, but to Sougo this isn't that annoying chirping that didn't let him sleep back when he was in college.

This is a lullaby, a happy lullaby.

\-------

When Sougo considers talking to his dad again, Tamaki doesn't take it well. He thinks he sees something purple in the air again, this time coming his way, when Tamaki leaves with Tenn, but he decides to ignore it by the time because this is a dire situation.

Once they're back at IDOLiSH7's dorms, he lets all of his thoughts run wild and tries to organize them at least a bit, at least enough to understand them himself. Ideally, he'd like to be able to explain them properly, but he needs to know what's going on first to do that.

Looking at his feelings without judging them as good or bad, only taking the time to consider what he wants to do in regards to them, is something completely alien to Sougo. He has to stop himself a few times from telling himself he shouldn't, or that he's being unfair, but once he starts writing down every little thing he manages to isolate in the chaos that is his head, it becomes gradually easier.

He starts believing that, maybe, he can understand this. They're his feelings, and yet he never really took the time to think about them - about what he feels, why, what is causing them...

He realizes now, more than ever before, more than he did during any of their fights until now, that he doesn't want to hurt Tamaki. He realizes he's his partner and he appreciates him, yes, but there's something more.

There's something in the way that Tamaki makes him feel that Sougo doesn't recognize in any other person he knew before or after, in any other situation or relationship. This is beyond what Sougo can understand, at least when he's just starting to get a grasp of this, of checking his emotions, but he recognizes it as something important.

But the feelings he has for Tamaki, as precious as they are to him, are not something he has the time to think about right now. He needs to make a choice, and a plan for both a negative and a positive outcome. Right now all he needs to define is what's more important to him, not the reasons why, and he ends up picking Tamaki.

He ends up deciding Tamaki, out of everything and everyone else, will be his priority from now on. If he needs to lose anything else in his life, so be it, but Tamaki has been with him through thick and thin and forgiven him for his mistakes, and always, always wished for the best for him. He always wished to be happy with Sougo.

So Sougo decides to tell Tamaki this, that no matter what the one thing he wants to do is prioritize him. That he won't do something that would hurt him no matter what, no matter who needs him or what he could get from that - a favour, closure, or anything else.

After making it clear to Sougo that he still has a lot to learn on how to communicate his feelings properly, Tamaki ends up agreeing to him talking to his father, but asks if he can accompany Sougo.

While Sougo thinks it might be good for him to have that support, a part of him is wary. He wants Tamaki there with him, but he also wants to protect Tamaki from his father. Dealing with an angry Ousaka Soushi is not something he wishes on anyone, much less his dear partner, after all. But in the end, he agrees to Tamaki coming with him to the Ousaka estate and hopes for the best.

He feels almost stupid about that optimism only seconds after arriving.

Things still turn out well for them after what Sougo is sure he can call the worst moment of his entire life, and once everything is solved and Sougo can finally breathe again, Tamaki visits his room to talk once more about music. About Sougo making his own music.

The blue bird is happy, jumping from here to there around the room and letting out excited tweets every now and then, and Sougo can only wonder what it was doing exactly when he was undergoing all of that torture.

He doesn't care much about it, though. After all he had to go through to finally get here, he just wants to enjoy this victory.

\------------

When Nagi leaves, the only thing Sougo can think of doing to stop himself from losing his mind to the stress and the uncertainty and the possibilities he doesn't want to think about is actually giving songwriting a try.

It's just a first draft, and he's still too nervous to show it to anyone, but Tamaki catches him red handed and insists on listening without waiting for Sougo to give him the okay.

But he says he likes it, and Sougo can feel the blue bird making a ruckus in his room. He doesn't even have the energy or the willpower to command it to calm the fuck down because, actually, he feels like making a mess himself.

For a second, everything feels right in the world, but it doesn't last long. Sougo wonders if there's anything he's doing wrong, or he's just generally unlucky, but apparently he can't have things just going easy and smooth.

When the demo he made is rejected by the record company, he starts thinking about the producer's words and can't help but agree that he'd probably feel bad too if a band he likes changed their style as dramatically as that.

The blue bird's chirps start feeling heavy and annoying again, and he tries to lock it out of his window as punishment, but it always, always, _always_ comes back to him, just like that first time he caged it. The noise doesn't let him think, but he tries his best to change his song to fit MEZZO"'s image better.

(His heart feels like it's gonna stop with every note he modifies.

He feels like he's gonna throw up when he thinks of showing this to anyone.

_He just wants to scream at the top of his lungs_ )

In a strange turn of events that Sougo isn't sure if he should call fortunate or unfortunate (and, as such, just ends up calling 'fateful'), they end up meeting Re:vale on the day Sougo was planning to present the modified version to the record company's producer.

Tamaki insists Yuki listens to it, and when he does he looks really disappointed. He ends up saying everything Sougo's been thinking of ('this is _wrong_ ', 'this doesn't sound like you', ' _this is just a cheap copy_ ', 'an attempt at making something in an image', 'it's not natural', 'it's not _you_ ').

Tamaki tries to defend him and Momo makes an attempt at getting Yuki to say something kinder, but Sougo doesn't even have the time to explain it's all true. He asks Yuki to listen to the original demo of "Monologue note", and when he plays it his face immediately changes.

Yuki sounds interested and pleased, and Sougo feels a weight lifting on his heart. If a musician of Yuki's level thinks highly of his music, if he says he's looking forward to hearing the finished version, then Sougo knows this is worth fighting for. His hunch was right, after all - the second version was wrong, and presenting something like that to his name would just hurt his pride.

When he explains what happened to Tamaki and Momo, the three of them just end up reassuring Sougo that he'll always have their support, and that he has to do what he has to do.

Sougo's heart is singing even louder than the blue bird on their way back home, already daydreaming about the way Tamaki's voice will sound on the finished, definitive version.

\-----------------------

The last modification to "Forever note" is heavy, emotionally, and it takes Sougo a second to be able to listen to it complete.

He wants to show it to Tamaki, feel proud of himself and bask in the sense of accomplishment, but it's not an appropriate time. Sougo knows he has to wait just a bit longer.

By now, for this night, he lets the bird soothe his heart with its song, a song brief and sad that keeps repeating itself.

He tells himself that he will wait if he has to to find the right moment, but the next day, he tells Tamaki the song is finished as soon as he can. He _does_ warn him that there will be backlash, that he knows that as Sougo's partner this _will_ necessarily affect him too, but he really wants to do this.

Sougo still feels a bit uncomfortable asking for selfish things, he still feels like swallowing the words he really wants to say and go for something more polite, more considerate, but this is Tamaki and Sougo knows he'll appreciate him coming forward with a request like this, with something that means so much to him.

With something that only Tamaki can do for him.

Tamaki is as supportive as he could be, and while Sougo was expecting this, he still feels reassured to confirm it. He makes sure Sougo knows he has his back, in words and in his typical body language that Sougo is just starting to understand now and in so many ways, all so different from a King Pudding on his night table that Sougo can't help the smile on his face.

He should be nervous, and he is. He should be scared, and he _is_. But, more than anything, he's excited - like he was never allowed to be as a child, like the first time his uncle let him play his guitar and he got to do something he wanted to do. Like the first time the blue bird chirped and a song was born in his heart.

"Forever note" is the first one he's sharing with the world. Sougo hopes it's just the first of many.

\--------

The reactions to "Forever note" on social media are varied, but generally positive. There's the expected backlash, yes, but also many people that are willing to give Sougo the benefit of the doubt, to give him more time before they reject this new direction completely.

Tamaki is there that night, ready for Sougo to feel bad or to need him in any way, probably upset by the bad comments and afraid Sougo will let them get to him, but he's surprisingly fine with this. He was expecting it, after all. He bet on it and he realizes when he sees the comments that he can live with this, that whatever damage this does to him is much more easy to deal with than having to live with being unable to make music.

This level of freedom is something exhilarating, something that Sougo could only compare with the feeling of drinking too much in a summer night, and the ecstasy almost makes him want to go overboard. He manages to hold himself back until the one action he makes is hug Tamaki (more like lean on him and let him wrap him in his arms, like usual), a childish and bright smile on his face.

That's when Tamaki realizes Sougo is actually okay and relaxes too, letting out a content sigh and humming "Forever note". Sougo pushes his ear harder against Tamaki's chest, feeling the reverberation of his voice there, happy to hear his melody in his partner's heart. His own voice feels strange in his ears when he starts humming his parts back, muffled by Tamaki's chest, but he doesn't mind.

Tonight, the blue bird nests in Tamaki's head and Sougo is happy.

\----------------

It's been only a short time since he almost had to return here by force, but the Ousaka estate has finally recovered it's familiarity for Sougo.

When he left this place in a rush, after being disowned, there was only one thing he never got over, one thing that he still really wants to have, and now that he feels better about having this conversation with his dad, he decided to come for a (properly prearranged, of course) visit.

"How is everything going?" his dad asks, strangely warm, after the usual greetings. Sougo thinks he might sound a bit worried under the thousands of layers of coldness when he comments, like it means nothing to him, "I've heard you made quite the risky move"

"A risky move? That might be, maybe" Sougo is surprised that his dad knows about "Forever note" and MEZZO"'s change of direction, but he smiles when he replies, absolutely confident of his answer "But it made me very happy"

His dad looks at him in silence, studying him. Perhaps he's also wondering how Sougo has changed, perhaps he's also scared now that his son doesn't look like the person he raised at all.

"Are you proud of yourself now, Sougo?" his voice sounds more strict than scolding when he speaks, and it takes Sougo a moment to understand that he's not being judged for making a mistake - he's being asked if it was worth the consequences, like he's finally recognized as an adult that’s responsible of his own actions.

"I can hold my head high now, can't I?" Sougo is just a little amazed at himself, that he can still smile like he's on top of the world, and that he can even talk like this with his dad.

They share a moment in silence, but Sougo isn't scared of his dad's distant demeanor now. It's his dad who breaks that quiet as he nods, in a way Sougo wishes he's not wrong to interpret as satisfied, pleased.

"You're a fighter", he says, and Sougo can only nod his own head once, excited that he's finally being acknowledged by his dad as someone strong. Excited that _he_ can consider himself strong now.

"You raised me this way"

Soushi raises his eyebrows, surprised, like he wasn't expecting his son to act so confident it could be mistaken as arrogant, but he seems at least a bit proud that Sougo retains some of the things he taught him.

"What business do you have here?" when he speaks again, he goes straight to the point, and he's not wrong when he asks "You're not here just for a visit, are you?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask if I can have Uncle's guitar" Sougo looks into his dad's eyes, serious but pleading. He knows it's there, in the room that he sneaked into to take his band's album, and he knows his dad doesn't really have any use for anything there, but he still wanted to ask. He still needed to have this conversation with his dad.

The conversation, of course, isn't long - it's over with another thoughtful look at Sougo's determined face and a meager 'I understand'. Sougo was also expecting that, that his dad's reactions would only be 'yes' or 'no' and leading him either towards the room or towards the house's main door, so he's satisfied with that much.

What he needs from his dad right now aren't words, anyway.

Soushi walks Sougo to the room where Satoshi's things are stored, in a silence that Sougo decides to honour. When they walk into the room, Sougo looks at all those things in a lit room, so very different from the dark room where he sneaked in and looked for his album with a flashlight. So very different now that he's invited into it, allowed to be in here and take what he needs.

He stares at it all for a second before leaning on his dad, unsure but hopeful. He can see with a side glance that he's making the same face he made at Satoshi's funeral, and this time he holds Sougo with one arm around his shoulder as they take it all in together. Sougo thinks he can hear a sharp breath and a gulp, but he decides not to look at his dad's face out of respect.

Sougo lets out a soft sigh, a breath he didn't know he was holding, before he walks into the room. He reaches his hand to the guitar when he finds it, and he sees the blue bird perched on a box nearby. Sougo is so afraid it will scream, so scared this ghost that haunts only him forbids him from having something so important to him, but it only picks at its feathers even as Sougo finally touches the old wood of the guitar's handle.

He still takes a moment holding it, just staying still in the room where everything his uncle left behind surrounds him, letting himself remember that man he admired and loved so deeply.

After that moving and necessary ceremony, Sougo decides not to take much more time from his dad. Both are busy and, from what Sougo learned, now both know it.

In an extraordinary and thrilling gesture, his dad escorts him all the way to the front door, and even though there's no goodbye hug or even a handshake, Sougo feels content with this visit as a whole. He feels okay leaving this time, on these terms.

"Sougo"

He turns back when he hears his name and takes one last look at his dad. His eyes are shaking, and Sougo can feel the words choking on his throat almost as if they were on his own.

Soushi doesn't need to say them, though. Sougo understands because he feels the same.

\-----

"I'm back"

Sougo's voice makes Tamaki lift his head from his phone's screen and he makes an impressed little hum when he sees the guitar.

"Hey, Sou-chan. Is that new? Where did you get it?"

"It's my uncle's old guitar, I just got it a while ago" Sougo replies casually, too lost in his own emotions to stop and pay much attention as he walks to his room.

Tamaki follows him and walks inside with him, without asking for permission, just like he's always done. Sougo smiles this time - he's learned after all this time that this is a good sign in Tamaki, a sign of trust and closeness, and he takes it happily now.

"Really? Great!" Tamaki makes himself comfortable in Sougo's bed. He sounds pretty excited until he realizes something and his voice turns wary "... Wait, was it at...?"

"In my family's home, yes" Sougo smiles warmly, still moved by Tamaki's protective instincts. He sits by his side in bed and tries to sound as reassuring as he can when he explains "I went there for a visit and my dad let me have it"

Tamaki is silent for a second, but apparently Sougo's efforts work and he looks significantly less uneasy.

"Okaaay~" Tamaki sits closer to the wall to slide against it, and he's smiling warmly too when he asks "Do you have a new song in your head now?"

"Mmm... Something like that, I guess"

_'I guess it's more like it's in my heart than in my head, but'_ Sougo thinks to himself, but doesn't want to get lost in technicisms.

"Can you...?" Sougo feels a bit uncertain when his hands are just about to touch the strings, and while he tries to reason with himself that it should be okay now he still asks "Can you stay here while I tune it?"

"Sure" Tamaki sounds confused, but he just shrugs and agrees, probably because he was going to do it anyway.

He's very scared when he strums the strings to try the pitch, but nothing happens, the blue bird casually perched on Tamaki's shoulder (and if the level of closeness that bird has with Tamaki means anything about Sougo's feelings, now is really not the time to think about it), and nothing happens again when Sougo starts improvising a tune, one that comes naturally to his hands, just like the first time.

Tamaki listens quietly, looking at Sougo in a way that makes him feel completely bared, and he doesn't care anymore. He's already chosen to bare himself in front of Tamaki so many times before that it just feels natural to share this kind of intimacy.

Sougo hums a melody as he keeps letting the music flow, and he closes his eyes for a few seconds, content to let himself get lost in the music.

The rustle of feathers makes him open his eyes a few moments later, bringing him back to reality, and he can see the blue bird fly away out the window, a purple butterfly by its side. 

Sougo can only smile when he sees both of them disappear in the night sky together.

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday to sougo, my first fav character and one of the strongest reasons I'm in IDOLiSH7 to begin with! tbh, I've been wanting to write this fic for ages now, but when monologue note came out I decided to wait until his arc re:music+his family was complete so I could see how that went to write about it too! and the next obvious date to write this for was this years bday, so.
> 
> (that said, not even I know where this falls exactly in the canon compliant-canon divergent scale, tho, so take anything in this fic with a grain or two of salt lololol I mostly just gave up on finding canon data I THOUGHT I remembered and did whatever I wanted with my own headcanons, whoops)
> 
> also, this fic is vaguely, not-really-mainly-just-in-concept, veeeeery loosely inspired in Ruben Dario's "El pájaro azul", but a lot less sad! so anyway:
> 
> I really hope you all enjoyed this and I really wish a happy birthday to our dear sou-chan! as always, thanks for reading!


End file.
